Letters from Fangirls
by the Raven of Roses
Summary: this bit of humor is a small collection er, soon2b collection of likely weird letters jhonen might get from fangirls. or fanboys. anyway, its meant to be unsettling, scary, and above all, amusing. have fun.
1. Profession of Love

Letter from a Way-too obsessed fan

I'd like to say what you can do to me

But can't in polite company.

I think that I'm obsessed with you

You don't return my phone calls

So I sent dead rodents in the mail

I would have set them at your door

But this man shoots at me from the rail

I don't know why you're avoiding me

I think that we are meant to be

I should really make you see

That you only belong to me

I went to your front door today

But someone said you'd gone away

I really don't believe them, though

If you moved, I'd be the first to know

I'm done with stalking you alone

(You still don't answer your own phone!)

I've found a new boy I can adore

He's taken, but you're such a bore

Besides, he has more piercings and tattoos than you.

So there.

Don't come crawling back when you realize what you've given up.

Because I'm not answering my phone, either.

P.S. I hope you liked my poem. I'll be hiding out in the tree in your front yard if you want to talk. I brought my handcuffs.

Sincerely,

Princess Darkfire Batwing


	2. Stalker

Dear Jo-nen

Hi. You don't know me, but I know you. You live at –INFORMATION DELETED FOR CONFIDENTIALITY- and there's a small crack at the bottom of your front door. (I'm sorry about that, by the way. I was just trying to open the door, and then my foot slipped and kicked the corner instead of the lock.)

See, I've been following you around for awhile. I can't help it. You're just so fascinating. And hot. I kept trying to talk to you, but you always managed to get away. (I'm sorry about that time in the library, too. I swear I didn't mean to dislocate your shoulder. But you wouldn't stop trying to escape. It's your own fault, you know.)

By the way, the hem on your trench coat was getting a little frayed. I fixed it for you last night. Hope you don't mind.

And please stop changing the locks. It's a bitch to keep stealing your keys, too. It's like you don't like me or something.

Anyway, I just thought I'd leave a note by your desk before I headed out. Oh, I left some ramen, too. You didn't have much food around. I know you focus really hard on your work, but it's good to eat. Sometimes.

See you soon,

Your Biggest Fan

(Queen Lilith the Strange)


	3. Dear Master

Author's note: apparently, people find these things funny. I'm very flattered by this. You know, I love writing these things. They take little to no effort at all, given my warped and twisted imagination, and they're a nice break from "normal" fics and stories. Please enjoy, and do drop a review. (like I need to tell anyone to review. 15 and counting!) -raven, your friendly Neptunian pyro

Dear Master

Hi. I'm a spooky gawth chick. You know, suicidal, psychotic, bisexual gawth. I reeeeeeeally want to see you. I picked up a copy of your comic book the other day, and I have to say this. I think I'm in love. I totally share your views. I mean, I already killed a bunch of people at my skool. I tried to kill myself, too, but the teachers stopped me. Now I'm hearing voices.

Please talk to me.

Yours forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever,

Spook-Girl

(p.s. I promise I won't press charges if you don't.)


	4. Spelling Error

Author's note: here's where I respond to some of the reviews I've gotten so far:

Invadingangel: hee hee. Being poked with a "sprook" sounds funny. But it also sounds squishy. And that's just plain wrong. dun worry, I plan on making MANY of these little fillers while I'm thinking up ideas for more fanfics. Woot!

Soru: you're right. Its been too long. And the great amusement you seem to have gone thru makes me feel all warm inside.

Singerofdoom: its nice to know im entertainin ppls.

Invaderjohnny: why I didn't just call you nny-chan ill never know. Heh. Anyway, its nice to know you care enough to keep reading my fics, even if they are just weird little fillers.

Blahsblah2001: er……your last review wasn't too thrilled. Ah well. That last chapter just didn't suit you, and I cant blame you. That one was pretty damn sucky. I wrote it in like 5 minutes. Heh. Hopefully this one will turn out better, eh?

Carly: thank you. That review amused me.

Talia: The trench coat line was in my head LONG before I started writing these things.

Anyway, here's the new one. Which will probably be shorter then the above comments on reviews... ;;; -raven, your friendly Neptunian maniac

Dear Joe-nen

Yor comix haf inspird me to draw mi own pikchurz. Eye calld them "slashie knif-boiy." But the mayne charikter is named "John," so its real difrent and stuf.

Oh yah. Eye killd this gurl yesterday. Thanx for giveng mee the idia two yoos a spork as a meens of disembolemant. It works gud.

Sincerely,

Constance Einstein

(p.s. due you haf any idias on how two stai ahed of the copz? Cuz peepul ar gonna knowtice the bode sune and eye dun wanna get cot.)


	5. Self Picture Enclosed

Author's Note: youre all so KIND! Hee hee. I feel so loved, what with all the nice reviews I'm getting. Notes to you reviewers:

Nny-chan:P see? I DO call you nny-chan in my fics. and yes, the thing about you being the homicidal Mexican is awesome. It's a prestigious title indeed!

Blahsblah2001: thank you. I'm glad this one amused you more.

DLBN: assuming you meant the ps on the chapter you reviewed, it said "do you have any ideas on how to stay ahead of the cops? Cuz people are gonna notice the body soon and I don't want to get caught." Glad you like the letters. They ARE disturbing.

InvadingAngel: sorry youre not first again. I saw nny-chan's review first. Ah well. glad you liked it. And yeah, the "Constance Einstein" thing was a blatant bit of humor. Almost tacky, but apparently it worked, so yay! And you know, laughter is said to be just as good as aerobics….TAKE THAT, YOU FSCKING DIETICIAN! Heh. Sorry. I've got some issues with dieticians….

Singerofdoom: that's ok, I still appreciate your kind words!

Wow. 29 reviews…..i should take this op, since this fic is apparently so popular, to do a shameless plug for my other fics. I write a lot of jthm/zim-themed fics. Um….yeah. heh. On the off-chance that one of the ppl reading this HAVENT read my other fics (its so nice to have friends), please do. it makes me feel special to get reviews.

Um…on with the fun!

Dear Johan

Hi. I saw your thing on G4TV, and I really think you're hot. I tried to find you in the phone book, but I think they might have missed your name. Anyway, I really want to talk to you. I can't go to those comic conventions, but I don't really like comics, so…yeah. Enclosed is a picture of me and my cat. I have a DD chest, but that corset makes it look smaller.

Lady Lilith

(I'm only 17, but we don't have to tell anyone.)

Author's end note: Er…..I'm not entirely comfortable with continuing THAT letter. Just use your imagination, folks. shudder Okay, bye. (damn, another short letter! . )


	6. Mr Vasquez

Author's note: YAY! Another update! These things are easy as hell to write! quick review of the reviewers, eh?

Singerofdoom: yep, I seem to be updating daily. That's because these letters take me just minutes to write! I bet ill run out of ideas soon. I should write more from guys.

Nny-chan: don't think too hard, dear. It'll damage your brain.

Phantomobsessor: yeah, I think that's about what we can expect from Lady Lilith. Lol

Purely Mistake: my sentiments exactly, dear.

Blahsblah2001: yes, I do believe you HAVE read all my stuff. I feel loved. Sry, but this one is from a chick. That one from the "Constance Einstein" person was meant to be a guy, btw.

Kokono: DUDE. I should DO that at skool! Preferably in the lunch room, but hey, anywhere will do. Especially a library. Hee hee. And yeah, fan mail can get odd.

Okay, on with the fun!

Mr. Vasquez

My name is Lily Albe. It has recently come to my attention that you are a cartoonist of sorts. Your work has cemented you in my mind as an ideal candidate for a business partner. You see, Mr. Vasquez, there ARE a good many people the world would be better off without. It is my intention to, with your assistance, make the world a better, safer place to live.

Of course, it would require some fairly delicate procedure, but from what I've read, you seem to be used to evasion. If you are interested, you can contact me through the hotline number on the back of this letter. I look forward to working with you in the near future.

Lily Albe

Inmate # 12-334-666

Author's end note: okay, that one was weird. Not so much a fan letter as….er…you get the idea. I don't think this one was quite as amusing, but I think it's still mildly entertaining. –raven, your friendly Neptunian pyro


	7. the dreaded 1337 grrl

Author's note: sorry, no jhonen-responses to letters. It would be too weird…

Anyway, im beginning to run out of ideas. In those lovely reviews, please suggest fangirlish stuff. You know, like subjects for letters or specific incidents youd like to see in the fic. thank you for all your lovely reviews. Now, on with the show!

Dear joenhenen

Like, OMFG!1111 you are, like sooooo hott!1shiftplus1 3y3 \/4nn4 1i 3 m337 j00 and OMFG101010101010101010101010101010!11 1\/40!shiftplus1

Please talk to me. I love you soooooooo much. I think its still legal in some states to marry a 14 year old……(please?)

Forever yours,

Amy Jamesonson

(Dark Mistress of Spiderz)

Author's note: note the fact that I don't much care for getting into specifics with these kinds of fangirls. shudder feel free to supply extra letter content in your reviews. It would be most amusing, as my fingers refuse to type out things like that myself. hope you liked it.


	8. stereotypical by carly

Dear Jhohanananan,

Like, I know how you feel.. Like, life is so dull. I just want to DIE! I don't

think that I can make it to the end of this letter, but I'm sure that one of my

so-called friends can drop it in the mail box.. Like, it's just like, I'm like

so jaded and like I'm crying.. My tears are, like, staining this page and

smearing the ink!

That so gives me inspiration..

I crawl as far as my weak legs will allow me

I'm so tired after I let random guys plow me

So many things

Broken dreams the rest is smeared out be blood

I'm sorry about that.. I just had to cut because, you know, it IS what every

goth does. Hey, maybe I could come over and we could hold a cutting cerimony and

talk about the uselessness of life!

Uselessly yours,

You're dark princess.

(note: this was written by my good friend carly. She ROCKS!shiftplus1 god, that girl is awesome. First reviewer, too:P thanx, carly-chan. Hope you don't mind I posted this.)


	9. Desperette by invadingangel

Author's note: YAY! People wanna help me out! I feel so loved. anyway, InvadingAngel has a lovely idea for a letter, which I've posted (along with an addition by yours truly—it seemed a little too short for my tastes...ah well. its still awesome the way she had it. I just wanted to say I contributed.) okay, now for the reviews!

Invadingangel: YAY! That was AWESOME!

Nny-chan: hmm. We'll see. Maybe next chapter. I've already started putting together that one. Hee hee. (and yes, I know I'm scary. )

Dear Joenennen Vazquez

Do you remember me? I was that girl wearing the black fishnet and tanktop at the signing you did in turonto! I was the one sobbing and trying to kiss you!

why wouldnt you let me? And why havent you written me back? Joenennen we were made for each other! MADE FOR EACH OTHER!

Love always,

Desperette

p.s. I want you! I'll be waiting at the hotel by your house tomorrow. Room 117. you know, if you want to spark something too.

(okay, so I stole that last part too from a wonderful reviewer...;;) seriously, people, your ideas ROCK! But I think im going with nny-chan's idea next. its TOO perfect. Thanks much to those who heeded my plea for inspiration! I need plenty more if I plan on continuing the "series"

-raven, your friendly Neptunian menace


	10. Adoption Papers

Author's note: okay, kids. Sorry about the lag in updates. Skool is really draining me as of late. I hate skool. Anyway, at the insistence of my dear nny-chan, heres the latest chapter to the "letters from fangirls" saga.

Dear Jhonen C. Vasquez,

My name is Johnny. (I got my name legally changed last year because of your comic.) Anyway, I've been a big fan of yours for awhile, and I have one small request.

Please adopt me.

Enclosed are the necessary papers and documents. All I need is a signature. I'll even pay for it myself.

It's my life's dream to have you as my father. Please, Dad, just sign the papers.

Your Soon-to-be Son,

Johnny C.

Author's note: btw, I dedicate this to my dear friend nny-chan, and I hope he's happy that I finally updated. my apologies for calling the writer "Johnny," but it was just too perfect. Bon chance et bon nuit.

-raven, your friendly Neptunian pyro


	11. Creative Criticism by invadingangel

Author's note: reviewing the reviews! Yay!shiftplus1

Blahsblah2001: yeah, I think youre right….

Purely mistake: o. m. g. that would be HILARIOUS. Creepy, though, even for ME. But funny. (about the drag queen thing, I mean) as for the meeting place post script, I could probably try that.

Carly-chan: thanks. And yeah, your "letter" was awesome!shiftplus1 (damn, we gotta start using that as an inside joke!)

Ms. Bliss: lol. That. Is. AWESOME!

Nny-chan: yes. Yes, you did.

Invader-Nehima: thanx, love. hope your fic goes well! Try emailing me if you need ideas. Maybe id be able to assist you….so long as youre writing something dark, twisted, and/or completely insane! (and lol. The 5th amendment is my favorite one to use against ppls. Especially the government/courts/police. Hee hee.)

(by invadingangel)

Dear Joey Vazques

I wanted to start by saying I really admire your skills. I am quite impressed and I do understand that drawing is hard BUT(!) I think I can draw REALLY GOOD. like better than DIRGE or maybe even you! Tell me how I can get in to comics cuz if your stuff was good enough think about where MINE will take us!

signed,

Artistic Misteress!

P.S From one artist to another...the purple hair has got to go!

Author's note: by the way, I've gotten several suggestions to write chapters of a...er, lewd nature. I'm sorry, mes amis, but I couldn't bring myself to write something like that. I mean, that's just WRONG. I'll stick to horrendously violent and bloody gore, thank you very much. I DO appreciate the ideas, though. And sorry I've not the time to reply to all of the lovely reviews you guys keep giving me (tear IM SO HAPPY) but I've got to get this and god knows how many other things posted. ;;; sorry for the long notes, too. I find myself becoming increasingly long-winded as time goes by.

-raven, your friendly Neptunian pyro


	12. Like We're Friends Already

Dear Joey,

I can call you that, right? Cuz I'm, like, _such_ a big fan of your work. I mean, it's like we're best friends already! I know if you met me, you and I would just _click,_ you know?

I mean, we kind of _have _met already. Not that you'd remember it. It was a few months ago at the Chinese restaurant by your house. See, I'm a waitress there. And that was me.

Sorry about spilling that tea on your head, by the way. You kind of surprised me.

But I really think we should get together sometime! How about next Saturday? I know where you live. I'll stop by around 7, okay?

Bye-bye!

Love,

Ai-chan

-+-

author's note: sorry about the impossibly long wait. ;; ive been busy. hope this amused you enough to forgive me. thanks to the people who read every chapter of this demented fic, and please keep sending me those kind words of review.

-raven, your friendly neptunian pyro


	13. Autobiographical

Dear Johnny:

I, like, assume that's your name cuz of your comic. That's really smart, using a pen name like that. I mean, nobody would guess you were writing about you. Except me, of course. I'm just smert like that.

So how do you get rid of all the bodies? I mean, there must be a LOT of them. I bet you bury them in your yard. Wait. Do you live in an apartment? How would that work? No, you must live in a little house somewhere.

I mean, JtHM IS autobiographical, right?

Could you teach me how to kill people? Cuz there's a lot of kids at my skool that I want to kill. And I think we could have a blast murdering them all. It would be really fun. Call me, okay? I wrote down my number and my address and my email and a physical description so you can find me. Bye bye!

Your biggest fan,

Jimmy

X.X

a/n: i get WAY too much amusement out of this.


	14. Scented Pink Stationery

_Jhonen read the pink, scented letter for the third time. The shock in his face melted into disgust, and he fought back the urge to empty his stomach of its contents. Roman, who had stopped by to return some miscellaneous CD, glanced at the writing and cracked up._

_"It's not that funny," Jhonen protested weakly, still feeling sick._

_"You're kidding, right? This is better than the ones with crime-scene photos."_

_Jhonen sighed and tossed the paper into the garbage. It fluttered to a rest on the remains of an instant ramen container, purple-inked words perfectly legible despite the lipstick stains._

_---_

Dear Jhonen C. Vasquez:

Will you marry me?

Sincerely,

Mary-Sue Fann

P.S. I think it's legal in my state to get married at 14 yrs old. I'm legal!

--

a/n: short, but i thought it was amusing.


End file.
